Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
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“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
My favorite female superhero
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
This kid will have a bright future.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
O Wise One….
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old