My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
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Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me: