My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
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Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Cake!!
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined