If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
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Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11