I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
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it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
“What?”
– Jude
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.