Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
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When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
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FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation