Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
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if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
*orders delivery*
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.