FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
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Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.