Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
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been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Beards are a privilege, not a right
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.