Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
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My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
stand with me against insufficient seating
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.