Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
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Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes