[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
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I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him