The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
You Might Also Like
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
some things should go without saying
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
🤔😂😂
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
i- i did not expect this
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years