Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
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starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Jesus Christ lmao
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual