Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
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I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
I finally found a reason to live again.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.