You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
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I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard