Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
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Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.