I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
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Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password