is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
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I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Cake safety first. Always.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…