*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
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They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
This sounds bad:
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life