I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
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[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known