ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
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Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?