7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
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Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead