WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
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If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire