I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
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IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Noah was an idiot.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]