Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
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I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.