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My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
we did it you guys we saved daylight
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
whatcha thinkin bout
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies