Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
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My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Mad Max: Furry Road
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.