Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
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Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Pikachu found the lost joint
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.