You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
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There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Ape together strong
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.