Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
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I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Go hard or stay average
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain