Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
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It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.