Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
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If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
who did the taste test?
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Get in loser we’re going crying
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”