Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
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1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.