being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
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You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Just ordered me some pizza!
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it