Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
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Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
huge if true: the moon
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link