The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
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Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
*seductively eats two tums*
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”