My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
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*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Pizza is an emotion right?
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
this is uni
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.