Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
You Might Also Like
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.