guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
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Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape