[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
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[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
A ghost story
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
real
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I