Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
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Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do