God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
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It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
SCARY COSTUME
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur