Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
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You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
set yourself free xox
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
The fall of Netflix
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.