Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
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The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Yup
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake