If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
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Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
channeling her this year
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Fries, not lies.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.