[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
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I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Britain be like
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
i dont have time for this
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
No, YOUR illiterate.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?