Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
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If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that