People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
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Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
i did the math
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
RT if you know someone like this!!!
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days