“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
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THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Breaking news:
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.